[these have been posted with permission from the author, BTW]
This is it, kids. The last script written for The Unspeakable and the Inhuman: Episode 13.
And remember, this show is still copyrighted so don’t take and run with this script without the permission of the authors.
The Unspeakable and the Inhuman, Episode 13
By Derek Fetters and Sam Stewart©2009
CHARACTERS (in order of appearance)
BAXTER CALHOUN (BAXTER)
DALLAS LANDSALE (DALLAS)
BYRON MADDOX (BYRON)
PERCIVAL MADDOX (PERCIVAL)
STELLA MADDOX-RUTHERFORD (STELLA)
DR. GREGORY RUTHERFORD (DR. GREG)
GLORIA MADDOX (GLORIA)
THE UNSPEAKABLE AND THE INHUMAN, EPISODE 13
(SOUND OF HEAVY RAIN AND OCCASIONAL THUNDER)
NARRATOR: Welcome to Dâgōn Island: an isolated Northwest enclave with a most eccentric populace, a sinister history, and secrets so horrifying that once revealed lead to madness and death! (THUNDER CLAP)
(MUSIC: EERIE NOISE CREATED BY THEREMIN OR SAW)
It is said that residents of Dâgōn Island live the lives of (THUNDER CRASH) (ECHOING VOICE) The Unspeakable and The Inhuman! (END ECHOING VOICE)
(MUSIC EERIE SOUND BUILDS TO A CLIMAX AND ENDS)
(RAIN AND THUNDER ENDS WITH A FINAL THUNDER CLAP)
Byron and Percival Maddox have found themselves unexpectedly awakened in the middle of the night by strange dreams and disturbing sounds. Soon they are accompanied by Stella, who was low on ice, Baxter Calhoun, and an unknown visitor.
BYRON: Ah Baxter, out for a moonlit stroll, I see. And you’ve brought a friend.
BAXTER: Uh, yeah…
PERCIVAL: Well, are you going to introduce her?
BAXTER: Um, sure. This is Dallas.
BYRON: Greetings, Dallas. And what brings you to Maddox Manor?
STELLA: She’s a prostitute, Daddy.
DALLAS: Excuse me?!
STELLA: She’s obviously a prostitute Baxter picked up in town.
BYRON: Baxter, this is highly irregular…
DALLAS: I am not a prostitute!
BAXTER: She’s not a prostitute! Why would you say that?
STELLA: Y’know, from what we talked about earlier. That, and the boob job.
DALLAS: What?! These are real!
BAXTER: Really, uh…
STELLA: Well, good for you.
PERCIVAL: Baxter, there are hotels for this kind of thing.
DALLAS: I’m a scientist, not a hooker!
(SOUND OF TWO PEOPLE’S FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING, ONE OF WHICH IS IN HIGH HEELS)
HOOKER: …but you still owe me $425.
DR. GREG: (TO THE HOOKER)We’ll settle up when we get to town. (OUT LOUD)Oh, what’s everybody doing here?!
STELLA: Quite right. THAT’S a hooker.
DR. GREG: Darling, no! This is a patient of mine. She had some…abnormal swelling, and came to me to get it checked out.
PERCIVAL: I’m betting the swelling was all on your part.
DR. GREG: Ms. Lansdale, why are you here?
BYRON: Dr. Gregory, do you know her?!
DR. GREG: Yes, she’s a fiancé of another one of my patients.
STELLA: At least that excuse is original.
DALLAS: No, it’s true.
BAXTER: Well, seeing as you all are here, I guess I have something important to show you. Follow me to the kitchen.
PERCIVAL: What on earth for?
BAXTER: You’ll see.
(FADE IN, SOUND OF PERSON MOPPING)
WAVERLEY: (UNDER HIS BREATH)These people are animals. Constantly mewling for me to clean their messes and wipe their bottoms! Soon they won’t have me to kick around. Soon I’ll be in charge, and then they’ll pay! They’ll all pay! Oh!!
(SOUND OF KITCHEN DOOR SWINGING OPEN)
PERCIVAL: I don’t see why you can’t just tell us.
BYRON: He’s quite right, Baxter. You are being awfully mysterious. Waverley, what are you doing up?
WAVERLEY: Pardon me, sir. I’m just tidying up. Master Randolph had another of his midnight snacks.
BYRON: Yes, well, carry on. Now Baxter, we are assembled. What is your surprise?
PERCIVAL: Yes, what’s so exciting that you had to bring us into the kitchen?
DALLAS: (TO BAXTER) Good question. I thought we were trying to get out of here.
BAXTER: (TO DALLAS) Just bear with me. I’m creating a distraction. Then we can slip out.
STELLA: Well, I’m curious to see what you’ve got.
PERCIVAL: (EYES-ROLLNG) Gross.
STELLA: (TO PERCIVAL) Not like that.
PERCIVAL: (TO STELLA) It’s always like that.
STELLA: (TO PERCIVAL) I’ll explain later.
BAXTER: So. Here is what is so exciting.
(SOUND OF A LID REMOVED AND THE RUMMAGING SOUND OF A HEAVY OBJECT REMOVED FROM A CERAMIC – OR PLASTIC – CONTAINER)
PERCIVAL: Is… Is that.. ?
STELLA: You’re kidding me!
BYRON: (CHUCKLES) Unbelievable.
PERCIVAL: But, but that’s…
BAXTER: Yes, it is.
(FLIPPING THOUGH PAGES)
I can’t really read it, since it’s in Arabic, but…
PERCIVAL: That’s the Al-djinn fil hisaab!
PERCIVAL: It was in the bread box?
BAXTER: Yeah. Um. I thought you said you looked for it everywhere.
STELLA: Well, we were on Atkins.
DR. GREG: I told you folks. Nothing good comes from such extreme fad diets. You should always consult a physician before considering something so unhealthy.
HOOKER: Doc, the acrobatic reverse donkey punch costs three-hundred on top of the usual. I’m still waiting for a full payment…
DR. GREG: (OVER HER LAST WORD) …TREATMENT! Yes, we’ll see about finishing your treatment now.
(TWO SETS OF FOOTSTEPS WALK OFF AND DOOR CLOSES)
STELLA: All the subtlety of a chainsaw enema.
PERCIVAL: Well, like does attract like, sister dear.
(FOOTSTEPS FADE IN FROM OPPOSITE SIDE OF ROOM THAT DR. GREG AND HOOKER DEPARTED, UNDERNEATH PERCIVALS LINE, THEN STOP SUDDENLY)
GLORIA: Oh! What is…?
BYRON: Gloria, where have you been this time of night?
GLORIA: Oh my. I wasn’t expecting for everyone to be up. What is happening? And who is this new person?
STELLA: She’s some non-prostitute friend of Baxter’s, evidently. What was your name again?
DALLAS: Uh… Dallas.
STELLA: Dallas. And I suppose that’s your professional name?
DALLAS: What? Why you little…
BAXTER: (OVER THE TOP OF DALLAS)Hey, you know, this reminds me of something that is completely unrelated. I was wandering through the house and I saw a guy who looked kind of like a sea captain leaving out the back way.
BYRON: (ANGERED) What?
BAXTER: Uh, yeah. Just curious about who that might be. Is he part of the staff or…
BYRON: Well, Gloria? Do you have any idea what Baxter is talking about?
GLORIA: I’m sure I have no idea, Byron.
BYRON: I’ll go check on Randolph.
(WALKS AWAY, DOOR CLOSES ABRUPTLY BEHIND)
DALLAS: (QUIET TO BAXTER, AND SING-SONGY) Awkward.
BAXTER: (TO DALLAS) Yeah, let’s get out of here.
PERCIVAL: You never did explain how you knew where to find the book.
BAXTER: Well, I don’t really know myself. I kind of had an intuition.
PERCIVAL: An intuition?
BAXTER: I saw it in a … a dream.
PERCIVAL: A dream … or a vision?
BAXTER: I don’t really believe in mystical visions. It was more…
PERCIVAL: But you had one.
PERCIVAL: You went to the cave at the edge of the woods?
BAXTER: Well, yeah…
WAVERLEY: Master Baxter!! It is expressly forbidden in The Rules of the Estate!
PERCIVAL: Oh, stop it with The Rules!
WAVERLEY: But sir!! To breach one is a most grievous offence!
BAXTER: Er, I’m sorr-y?
WAVERLEY: And, it’s not like it’s buried in the middle. It is Rules # 2: Do Not Enter The Cave At The Edge Of The Woods. Even a cursory glance of The Rules and you would have seen it!
PERCIVAL: Yes, very well, Waverley. That will be…
WAVERLEY: In fact, I believe I recited this rule to you at our very first meeting. I mean, what’s the point of having rules if just anybody…
PERCIVAL: WAVERLEY!! That will be all!
WAVERLEY: (DARKLY)…Very good, sir.
(SOUND OF FOOTSTEPS GOING AWAY, KITCHEN DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)
PERCIVAL: Honestly, the help these days. Now I’ve lost my concentration. Where were we?
BAXTER: Um…..The Cave!
PERCIVAL: Ah, yes. Right, right. You went to the cave at the edge of the woods? You saw the trapezohedron!
BAXTER: You know about the trapezohedon…
PERCIVAL (CUTTING BAXTER OFF) The Shining Trapezohedron of the Starry Wisdom Sect? Yes. Yes, I do.
BAXTER: That sounds pretty new-agey.
PERCIVAL: No. No, Baxter. They are very Old Age. And to have peered into their altar of worship, you have upset primal forces beyond your understanding.
BAXTER: OK, now you’re being a little melodramatic.
PERCIVAL: Melodramatic? I haven’t even begun to express just how dire this situation is. You have instigated a crisis that has placed everyone on the estate, no, on this island, in mortal danger. Baxter Calhoun, you have doomed us all!
(FADE IN RAIN AND THUNDER)
NARRATOR: Will Dallas ever get to safely leave the Maddox estate? Just who is the sea captain and what, if anything, does he mean to Gloria? And now that Baxter has found the Al Djinn fil hisaab, will he leave Dagon Island, even if, as Percival has stated, he has unleashed a horror that brings doom to everyone?
(MUSIC: EERIE NOISE CREATED BY THEREMIN OR SAW)
NARRATOR: To find the answers to these questions and more, keep listening to the macabre tales of (ECHOING VOICE) The Unspeakable and the Inhuman! (END ECHO)
(MUSIC EERIE SOUND COMES TO A CLIMAX AND ENDS)
(FADE OUT RAIN)