The final U&I script – episode 13!!!

[these have been posted with permission from the author, BTW]

This is it, kids. The last script written for The Unspeakable and the Inhuman: Episode 13.
And remember, this show is still copyrighted so don’t take and run with this script without the permission of the authors.

Enjoy.

The Unspeakable and the Inhuman, Episode 13

By Derek Fetters and Sam Stewart©2009

CHARACTERS (in order of appearance)
NARRATOR (NARRATOR)
BAXTER CALHOUN (BAXTER)
DALLAS LANDSALE (DALLAS)
BYRON MADDOX (BYRON)
PERCIVAL MADDOX (PERCIVAL)
STELLA MADDOX-RUTHERFORD (STELLA)
DR. GREGORY RUTHERFORD (DR. GREG)
HOOKER (HOOKER)
GLORIA MADDOX (GLORIA)

THE UNSPEAKABLE AND THE INHUMAN, EPISODE 13

(SOUND OF HEAVY RAIN AND OCCASIONAL THUNDER)

NARRATOR: Welcome to Dâgōn Island: an isolated Northwest enclave with a most eccentric populace, a sinister history, and secrets so horrifying that once revealed lead to madness and death! (THUNDER CLAP)

(MUSIC: EERIE NOISE CREATED BY THEREMIN OR SAW)

It is said that residents of Dâgōn Island live the lives of (THUNDER CRASH) (ECHOING VOICE) The Unspeakable and The Inhuman! (END ECHOING VOICE)

(MUSIC EERIE SOUND BUILDS TO A CLIMAX AND ENDS)

(RAIN AND THUNDER ENDS WITH A FINAL THUNDER CLAP)

Byron and Percival Maddox have found themselves unexpectedly awakened in the middle of the night by strange dreams and disturbing sounds. Soon they are accompanied by Stella, who was low on ice, Baxter Calhoun, and an unknown visitor.

BYRON: Ah Baxter, out for a moonlit stroll, I see. And you’ve brought a friend.

BAXTER: Uh, yeah…

PERCIVAL: Well, are you going to introduce her?

BAXTER: Um, sure. This is Dallas.

DALLAS: Hello.

BYRON: Greetings, Dallas. And what brings you to Maddox Manor?

STELLA: She’s a prostitute, Daddy.

BAXTER: What?

DALLAS: Excuse me?!

STELLA: She’s obviously a prostitute Baxter picked up in town.

BYRON: Baxter, this is highly irregular…

DALLAS: I am not a prostitute!

BAXTER: She’s not a prostitute! Why would you say that?

STELLA: Y’know, from what we talked about earlier. That, and the boob job.

DALLAS: What?! These are real!

BAXTER: Really, uh…

STELLA: Well, good for you.

PERCIVAL: Baxter, there are hotels for this kind of thing.

DALLAS: I’m a scientist, not a hooker!

(SOUND OF TWO PEOPLE’S FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING, ONE OF WHICH IS IN HIGH HEELS)

HOOKER: …but you still owe me $425.

DR. GREG: (TO THE HOOKER)We’ll settle up when we get to town. (OUT LOUD)Oh, what’s everybody doing here?!

STELLA: Quite right. THAT’S a hooker.

DR. GREG: Darling, no! This is a patient of mine. She had some…abnormal swelling, and came to me to get it checked out.

PERCIVAL: I’m betting the swelling was all on your part.

DR. GREG: Ms. Lansdale, why are you here?

BYRON: Dr. Gregory, do you know her?!

DR. GREG: Yes, she’s a fiancé of another one of my patients.

STELLA: At least that excuse is original.

DALLAS: No, it’s true.

BAXTER: Well, seeing as you all are here, I guess I have something important to show you. Follow me to the kitchen.

PERCIVAL: What on earth for?

BAXTER: You’ll see.

(FADE OUT)

(FADE IN, SOUND OF PERSON MOPPING)

WAVERLEY: (UNDER HIS BREATH)These people are animals. Constantly mewling for me to clean their messes and wipe their bottoms! Soon they won’t have me to kick around. Soon I’ll be in charge, and then they’ll pay! They’ll all pay! Oh!!

(SOUND OF KITCHEN DOOR SWINGING OPEN)

PERCIVAL: I don’t see why you can’t just tell us.

BYRON: He’s quite right, Baxter. You are being awfully mysterious. Waverley, what are you doing up?

WAVERLEY: Pardon me, sir. I’m just tidying up. Master Randolph had another of his midnight snacks.

BYRON: Yes, well, carry on. Now Baxter, we are assembled. What is your surprise?

PERCIVAL: Yes, what’s so exciting that you had to bring us into the kitchen?

DALLAS: (TO BAXTER) Good question. I thought we were trying to get out of here.

BAXTER: (TO DALLAS) Just bear with me. I’m creating a distraction. Then we can slip out.

STELLA: Well, I’m curious to see what you’ve got.

PERCIVAL: (EYES-ROLLNG) Gross.

STELLA: (TO PERCIVAL) Not like that.

PERCIVAL: (TO STELLA) It’s always like that.

STELLA: (TO PERCIVAL) I’ll explain later.

BAXTER: So. Here is what is so exciting.

(SOUND OF A LID REMOVED AND THE RUMMAGING SOUND OF A HEAVY OBJECT REMOVED FROM A CERAMIC – OR PLASTIC – CONTAINER)

PERCIVAL: Is… Is that.. ?

STELLA: You’re kidding me!

BYRON: (CHUCKLES) Unbelievable.

PERCIVAL: But, but that’s…

BAXTER: Yes, it is.

(FLIPPING THOUGH PAGES)

I can’t really read it, since it’s in Arabic, but…

PERCIVAL: That’s the Al-djinn fil hisaab!

BAXTER: Yeah.

PERCIVAL: It was in the bread box?

BAXTER: Yeah. Um. I thought you said you looked for it everywhere.

STELLA: Well, we were on Atkins.

DR. GREG: I told you folks. Nothing good comes from such extreme fad diets. You should always consult a physician before considering something so unhealthy.

HOOKER: Doc, the acrobatic reverse donkey punch costs three-hundred on top of the usual. I’m still waiting for a full payment…

DR. GREG: (OVER HER LAST WORD) …TREATMENT! Yes, we’ll see about finishing your treatment now.

(TWO SETS OF FOOTSTEPS WALK OFF AND DOOR CLOSES)

STELLA: All the subtlety of a chainsaw enema.

PERCIVAL: Well, like does attract like, sister dear.

(FOOTSTEPS FADE IN FROM OPPOSITE SIDE OF ROOM THAT DR. GREG AND HOOKER DEPARTED, UNDERNEATH PERCIVALS LINE, THEN STOP SUDDENLY)

GLORIA: Oh! What is…?

PERCIVAL: Mamá.

BYRON: Gloria, where have you been this time of night?

GLORIA: Oh my. I wasn’t expecting for everyone to be up. What is happening? And who is this new person?

STELLA: She’s some non-prostitute friend of Baxter’s, evidently. What was your name again?

DALLAS: Uh… Dallas.

STELLA: Dallas. And I suppose that’s your professional name?

DALLAS: What? Why you little…

BAXTER: (OVER THE TOP OF DALLAS)Hey, you know, this reminds me of something that is completely unrelated. I was wandering through the house and I saw a guy who looked kind of like a sea captain leaving out the back way.

BYRON: (ANGERED) What?

BAXTER: Uh, yeah. Just curious about who that might be. Is he part of the staff or…

BYRON: Well, Gloria? Do you have any idea what Baxter is talking about?

GLORIA: I’m sure I have no idea, Byron.

(PAUSE)

BYRON: I’ll go check on Randolph.

(WALKS AWAY, DOOR CLOSES ABRUPTLY BEHIND)
(PAUSE)

DALLAS: (QUIET TO BAXTER, AND SING-SONGY) Awkward.

BAXTER: (TO DALLAS) Yeah, let’s get out of here.

PERCIVAL: Baxter?

BAXTER: Shit.

PERCIVAL: You never did explain how you knew where to find the book.

BAXTER: Well, I don’t really know myself. I kind of had an intuition.

PERCIVAL: An intuition?

BAXTER: I saw it in a … a dream.

PERCIVAL: A dream … or a vision?

BAXTER: I don’t really believe in mystical visions. It was more…

PERCIVAL: But you had one.

BAXTER: Uh.

PERCIVAL: You went to the cave at the edge of the woods?

BAXTER: Well, yeah…

WAVERLEY: Master Baxter!! It is expressly forbidden in The Rules of the Estate!

PERCIVAL: Oh, stop it with The Rules!

WAVERLEY: But sir!! To breach one is a most grievous offence!

BAXTER: Er, I’m sorr-y?

WAVERLEY: And, it’s not like it’s buried in the middle. It is Rules # 2: Do Not Enter The Cave At The Edge Of The Woods. Even a cursory glance of The Rules and you would have seen it!

PERCIVAL: Yes, very well, Waverley. That will be…

WAVERLEY: In fact, I believe I recited this rule to you at our very first meeting. I mean, what’s the point of having rules if just anybody…

PERCIVAL: WAVERLEY!! That will be all!

WAVERLEY: (DARKLY)…Very good, sir.

(SOUND OF FOOTSTEPS GOING AWAY, KITCHEN DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

PERCIVAL: Honestly, the help these days. Now I’ve lost my concentration. Where were we?

BAXTER: Um…..The Cave!

PERCIVAL: Ah, yes. Right, right. You went to the cave at the edge of the woods? You saw the trapezohedron!

BAXTER: You know about the trapezohedon…

PERCIVAL (CUTTING BAXTER OFF) The Shining Trapezohedron of the Starry Wisdom Sect? Yes. Yes, I do.

BAXTER: That sounds pretty new-agey.

PERCIVAL: No. No, Baxter. They are very Old Age. And to have peered into their altar of worship, you have upset primal forces beyond your understanding.

BAXTER: OK, now you’re being a little melodramatic.

PERCIVAL: Melodramatic? I haven’t even begun to express just how dire this situation is. You have instigated a crisis that has placed everyone on the estate, no, on this island, in mortal danger. Baxter Calhoun, you have doomed us all!

(FADE IN RAIN AND THUNDER)

NARRATOR: Will Dallas ever get to safely leave the Maddox estate? Just who is the sea captain and what, if anything, does he mean to Gloria? And now that Baxter has found the Al Djinn fil hisaab, will he leave Dagon Island, even if, as Percival has stated, he has unleashed a horror that brings doom to everyone?

(MUSIC: EERIE NOISE CREATED BY THEREMIN OR SAW)

NARRATOR: To find the answers to these questions and more, keep listening to the macabre tales of (ECHOING VOICE) The Unspeakable and the Inhuman! (END ECHO)

(MUSIC EERIE SOUND COMES TO A CLIMAX AND ENDS)
(FADE OUT RAIN)

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Unspeakable, episode 12 script

Here’s the script for Episode 12 of The Unspeakable and the Inhuman.
Remember, kids, this show is still copyrighted so don’t take and run with this script without the permission of the authors.

Enjoy.

The Unspeakable and the Inhuman, Episode 12
By Derek Fetters and Sam Stewart©2009

CHARACTERS (in order of appearance)
NARRATOR (NARRATOR)
BAXTER CALHOUN (BAXTER)
DALLAS LANDSALE (DALLAS)
BYRON MADDOX (BYRON)
PERCIVAL MADDOX (PERCIVAL)
STELLA MADDOX-RUTHERFORD (STELLA)

THE UNSPEAKABLE AND THE INHUMAN, EPISODE 12

(SOUND OF HEAVY RAIN AND OCCASIONAL THUNDER)

NARRATOR: Welcome to Dâgōn Island: an isolated Northwest enclave with a most eccentric populace, a sinister history, and secrets so horrifying that once revealed lead to madness and death! (THUNDER CLAP)

(MUSIC: EERIE NOISE CREATED BY THEREMIN OR SAW)
It is said that residents of Dâgōn Island live the lives of (THUNDER CRASH) (ECHOING VOICE) The Unspeakable and The Inhuman! (END ECHOING VOICE)

(MUSIC EERIE SOUND BUILDS TO A CLIMAX AND ENDS)

(RAIN AND THUNDER ENDS WITH A FINAL THUNDER CLAP)

Baxter Calhoun and Dallas Lansdale have met at the cave at the edge of the woods of the Maddox estate. After making some shocking discoveries, Baxter and Dallas are frightened by the scraping and croaking of unseen creatures. Rushing through the dark labyrinth they hope to avoid them only to find themselves frantically pursued.

(CAVE SOUNDS – CAVE AMBIENCE – THE OCCASIONAL DRIP OR TRICKLE INSIDE A DARK CAVE)

BAXTER: (PANTING THROUGHOUT SCENE) Do you know where you are going? (TRIPS AND QUICKLY RECOVERS) Ow! I can barely see.

(IN THE DISTANCE — BACKGROUND RIGHT — THE RUSHED FLOPPING AND CROAKING SOUND EMERGERS)

DALLAS: (PANTING THROUGHOUT SCENE) Don’t stop. Follow my flashlight. This way should get us out of the cave.

BAXTER: Should? I thought you knew the way out.

DALLAS: I’m just trying to lose whatever’s following us.

(SUDDENLY THE SOUND OF SCRAPING, SHAMBLING, AND HEAVY APE-LIKE BREATHING EMERGES IN THE DISTANCE)

BAXTER: (SLOWING HIS PACE) Oh God. Is that coming from ahead of us? What the hell… ?

DALLAS: Don’t stop! The things behind us will catch up!

(THE CROAKING-FLOPPING BEGINS TO MOVE CLOSER FROM BEHIND THEM)

BAXTER: But there’s something ahead of us.

DALLAS: Keep moving!

(THE CROAKING-FLOPPING MOVES EVEN CLOSER)

BAXTER: (RUNS TO KEEP UP PACE WITH DALLAS) Oh God. They’re catching up.
(THE SCRAPING-SHAMBLING-BREATHING BEGINS TO MOVE CLOSER FROM IN FRONT OF THEM)

BAXTER: And we’re heading towards something else!

DALLAS: Keep moving. I know what I’m doing.

BAXTER: But –

DALLAS: Now, the side passage. Turn left down this way.

BAXTER: Okay –

(SUDDENLY THE SCRAPING APE-SOUNDS AND FLOPPING-FROG SOUNDS ARE BOTH BEHIND THEM)

DALLAS: See, they’re both behind us now.

(THERE’S SIMULTANEOUSLY A PERCUSSIVE/STARTLED APE-LIKE GRUNT AND A LOUD SUDDEN CROAK. THEN ALL CREATURE BACKGROUND NOISES STOP ALL AT ONCE. SILENCE)

BAXTER: (PACE OF RUNNING AND BREATHING SLOWS DOWN) What? Did they stop?

(PAUSE)

BAXTER: (OUT OF BREATH, SLOWS TO A WALKING PACE) Maybe, maybe we can slow down a little.

DALLAS: (SLOWS TO MEET BAXTER’S PACE) I don’t know. I don’t think I like this.

BAXTER & DALLAS: (BOTH STOP, BUT CONTINUE THE HEAVY BREATHING OF THE RECOVERY FROM THEIR RUN)

(A MOMENT OF TOTAL SILENCE EXCEPT FOR CAVE AMBIENCE AND BAXTER AND DALLAS’ BREATHING. THEN SUDDNELY A FRENETIC EXPLOSION OF SOUND. BAM! A HIGH PITCHED SCREECH, A SLASH, A SPLATTER OF BLOOD, A GUTTERAL CRY OF PAIN – PERCUSSIVE PUMMELLING AND BASHING, ROCKS FALLING, CROAKING, SCREACHING, HISSING – GRUNTING, ROARING, YELPING – AND ESCALATING SOUNDS OF CONFLICT – CONTINUED BASHING, SLASHING, BITING, FLOPPING, SCRATCHING, STABBING, PUNCHING, TEARING – A COCAPHONY OF VIOLENCE.)

DALLAS: (STARTS RUNNING AT FULL SPEED) Oh shit! Move!

BAXTER: (RUNNING AT FULL SPEED) God, Damn. It’s a massacre!

DALLAS: Just thank God it’s not us and keep running!

BAXTER & DALLAS: (CONTINUE RUNNING, OCCASIONALLLY TRIPING AND REACTING TO THE HORRIFIC SOUNDS BEHIND THEM, NON-VERBALLY AND WITH THE OCCASIONAL CURSE OR PRAYER – IMPROVISE)

(AS BAXTER AND DALLAS CONTINUE RUNNING, THE SOUND OF THE CREATURES FADES)

(BAXTER AND DALLAS FADE OUT OF SCENE AS WE HEAR ONLY THE ECHOING OF THE FIGHT IN THE FAR BACKGROUND. THEN FADE OUT ON ALL CAVE SOUNDS.)

(FADE IN SOUNDS OF NIGHT OUSIDE OF CAVE ON THE MADDOX ESTATE.)

BAXTER & DALLAS: (RUNNING FROM CAVE ENTRANCE, SLOWING TO WALKING PACE)

BAXTER: Oh, blessed outside! Who’d have guessed I’d be relieved to be heading back to the Maddox household? Wait. Where are you going?

DALLAS: (STOPS) To my car and the hell out of here.

BAXTER: Through the woods?

DALLAS: Yeah. Car’s on the other side.

BAXTER: Oh no. You don’t know what’s out there this time of night or what might come out of the cave and come after you.

DALLAS: Do you want to come with me?

BAXTER: No, you should come with me to the house. It’s closer than the other side of the woods.

DALLAS: But still farther away from my car.

BAXTER: When we get to the garage, I’ll drive you to your car. It’s a lot safer than running through the woods at night.

DALLAS: Uh, okay.

BAXTER: (WALKING BRISKLY) How in the world did you navigate us through that maze? Did we just get lucky?

DALLAS: (WALKING BRISKLY, MATCHING BAXTER’S PACE) On the way in I marked my path whenever I made it to a junction. I drew an arrow in chalk pointing the way I came from. So when we came across an arrow, I just followed it, knowing it would take us the way out.

(START TO FADE OUT DIALOGUE, FOOTSTEPS AND OUTDOOR SOUNDS)
BAXTER: You skulk around in caves often?

DALLAS: Not on private property usually, but I’ve done some minor spelunking. Part of a geology field trip.

(FADE OUT COMPLETE)

(FADE IN OUTDOOR SOUNDS)

DALLAS: (MOVING AT REGULAR WALKING PACE) You’re sure I’m not going to be arrested for trespassing once your family sees me?

BAXTER: (MOVING AT REGULAR WALKING PACE) You have nothing to worry about. I’m the only one up. And just to be safe, we’re going through the back door. Their bedrooms are all the way on the other side of…

(OFF-MIC SOUND OF DOOR OPENING)

BAXTER: (QUICKLY CROUCHING, MOVES AROUND, PANICKED) Oh shit. Get to the bushes. Get down. Down.

(SOUND OF RUSTLING AS BAXTER AND DALLAS HIDE IN BUSHES)

(OFF MIC SOUND OF FOOTSTEPS LEAVING HOUSE, BACK DOOR CLOSING AND FOOTSTEPS THEN FADE OFF INTO THE DISTANCE)

DALLAS: Who was that? The family yachtsman?

BAXTER: I’ve no idea.

DALLAS: But seriously, from the peacoat to the cap to the beard and pipe, it looks like he should be skippering a three-hour-tour or selling fishsticks or something.

BAXTER: Uh, I guess.

DALLAS: Don’t you think that’s weird? Especially at, what, three-in-the-morning?

BAXTER: I’ve greatly adjusted my definition of the word ‘weird’ since I’ve met this family.

(FADE OUT ON OUTDOOR NOISES)

(FADE IN, SOUND OF ECHO-Y MANOR FOYER, FOOTSTEPS COMING DOWN A STAIRWAY, ANOTHER SET PADDING ALONG FOYER)

PERCIVAL: Good evening, father.

BYRON: Ah, Percival, have you seen your mother?

PERCIVAL: Mamá? Is she missing?

BYRON: I awoke to a strange noise. When I asked your mother if she heard it too, I discovered that I was alone.

PERCIVAL: Perhaps she had trouble sleeping and went to the kitchen for some warm milk?

BYRON: Yes…Perhaps. But what of you, Percival? Why are you up so late?
PERCIVAL: I…I had a disturbing dream.

BYRON: Yes, I have felt it as well. There is something strange in the air. Something new. I think we should keep this to ourselves, though, for the time being.

(SOUND OF HIGH-HEELED FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING, AND ICE SHIFTING IN A BUCKET)

STELLA: You two look like you’re up to something.

PERCIVAL: As do you. I’m not used to seeing you before noon, dear sister. To what do we owe the pleasure?

STELLA: Oh, I was just picking up a few essentials.
(STELLA PATS THE ICE BUCKET)

STELLA: The ice machine in my room is on the fritz, again.

PERCIVAL: You do seem to go through those.

BYRON: Stella, you didn’t happen to see you mother while re-provisioning, did you?

STELLA: Mummy? Why, no, Daddy. There’s no one up but us.

(SOUND OF THE BIG MAIN DOOR UNLOCKING AND HINGING OPEN)

BAXTER: …and hopefully everyone is still asleep. You do not want to meet these people!

DALLAS: Oh!

BAXTER: Ahhh-hey guys!

(FADE IN RAIN AND THUNDER)

NARRATOR: Just what disturbing dreams and portents have awakened the Maddox family? How will they react to Dallas’ trespass onto the estate? And have the creatures from the cave actually finished their pursuit?

(MUSIC: EERIE NOISE CREATED BY THEREMIN OR SAW)

NARRATOR: To find the answers to these questions and more, keep listening to the macabre tales of (ECHOING VOICE) The Unspeakable and the Inhuman! (END ECHO)

(MUSIC EERIE SOUND COMES TO A CLIMAX AND ENDS)
(FADE OUT RAIN)

Unspeakable Script for episode 11

Here’s the script for Episode 11 of The Unspeakable and the Inhuman.

Remember, kids, this show is still copyrighted so don’t take and run with this script without the permission of the authors.

Enjoy.

The Unspeakable and the Inhuman, Episode 11
By Derek Fetters and Sam Stewart©2009

CHARACTERS (in order of appearance)
NARRATOR
BAXTER CALHOUN
DALLAS LANDSALE

THE UNSPEAKABLE AND THE INHUMAN, EPISODE 11

(SOUND OF HEAVY RAIN AND OCCASIONAL THUNDER)

NARRATOR: Welcome to Dâgōn Island: an isolated Northwest enclave with a most eccentric populace, a sinister history, and secrets so horrifying that once revealed lead to madness and death! (THUNDER CLAP)

(MUSIC: EERIE NOISE CREATED BY THEREMIN OR SAW)

It is said that residents of Dâgōn Island live the lives of (THUNDER CRASH) (ECHOING VOICE) The Unspeakable and The Inhuman! (END ECHOING VOICE)

(MUSIC EERIE SOUND BUILDS TO A CLIMAX AND ENDS)
(RAIN AND THUNDER ENDS WITH A FINAL THUNDER CLAP)

Baxter Calhoun, MIT mathematics professor, has received an unusual inheritance from his grandfather, an ancient Arabic mathematics text entitled the Al-djinn-fil-hisaab. However, the book’s location remains a mystery. Yet, last night, a menacing figure in a dream told Baxter to search in the cave at the edge of the woods. Finding himself unable to sleep, Baxter has ventured into the night and into the cave in order to find clues to the books location.

(SOUNDS OF A DAMP CAVE. WATER TRICKLING OR DRIPPING, VERY ECHO-Y. SHUFFLING FOOTSTEPS LEAD INTO SCENE)

BAXTER: This cave seems to go on forever. And there are a lot of side-caverns. It’s like a labyrinth in here.

(FOOTSTEPS SLIP AND STUMBLE)

Damnit! This is pretty stupid. Spelunking by the light of a cel phone. I should head back to the house and wait for dawn.

(AS BAXTER ROUNDS A CORNER, LOW SCRAPING SOUNDS CAN BE HEARD)

BAXTER: (Under his breath)What’s that! Where is that coming from? The sound is bouncing around so much, it’s source could be anywhere. Let’s just go this way and get out of here.

(SCRAPING SOUND GETS SLIGHTLY LOUDER)

Am I getting closer to it? Let me take a left here.

(SCRAPING SOUND GETS SLIGHTLY LOUDER)

Oh, God. I’m lost. I’m supposed to be getting away from this sound.

(SCRAPING SOUND GETS SLIGHTLY LOUDER)

It could be anything – a rabid wolverine, a … a serial killer dumping a body, or a (out loud) A GIRL!

DALLAS: Oh!!

BAXTER: Aaaah!

DALLAS: Oh!

BAXTER: Aaargh!

DALLAS: Why are you screaming?!
BAXTER: There’s a blinding light in my eyes!

DALLAS: Oh, that’s my flashlight. Sorry.

BAXTER: Who are you?

DALLAS: D-Dallas. No-nobody.

BAXTER: What are you doing?

DALLAS: I’m sorry. I should be going.

BAXTER: Now, wait a…

DALLAS: Look, I’m sorry, alright! I’m having a really weird week, O.K?! You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.

BAXTER: I might have an idea…

DALLAS: I’m not even supposed to be here! I should be in Seattle, at school, working on my thesis. I just came here to end things with my asshole fiancé-

BAXTER: I, ah…

DALLAS: -but he’s in a coma, so I can’t! And then his creepy doctor totally feels me up as he’s telling me that Lance might never recover-

BAXTER: Wow, that’s…

DALLAS: -and Lance’s notes indicate that there might be foul play involved in his condition, which could be from any of the w-e-i-r-d people on his contact list. Y’know, there are a whole lotta nutjobs on this island.

BAXTER: Tell me about it!

DALLAS: One of which, Lance, apparently, is having an affair with! That was the last straw! I had to get off this rock!

BAXTER: (POINTEDLY) Okay, but, why are you here?

DALLAS: I’m just doing a favor for a my professor. He wanted me to get a sample from this cave before I left. And then I found this…

BAXTER: …What?

DALLAS: This!

BAXTER: What? What am I looking at? The wall?

DALLAS: (a little exasperated)Yes! The wall! Do you see these strata here?

BAXTER: Yes.

DALLAS: Well?!

BAXTER: It is a little dim in here, and this really isn’t my area of…

DALLAS: Look at this layer right here, with the little circular fossils. This is several millions of years old.

BAXTER: Okay.

DALLAS: And this layer underneath it, the presumably older layer…

BAXTER: I’m with you.

DALLAS: Notice anything unusual?

BAXTER: Is that a…a car bumper. That shouldn’t be there…right?

DALLAS: No, it shouldn’t!

BAXTER: The license plate says Tennessee…

DALLAS: This whole rock layer is an anomaly! The whole thing doesn’t belong here in the Pacific Northwest and definitely not between these layers.

BAXTER: The tabs are still current…

DALLAS: It’s like a piece of modern time is embedded between these eons-old strata. This is an incredible find!

BAXTER: Literally incredible.

DALLAS: This will make my career!

BAXTER: I should think so.

DALLAS: And now I’m going to jail.

BAXTER: Going to jail? Why, you’re not a serial killer, are you?

DALLAS: For trespassing. You’re from the Maddox estate, aren’t you?

BAXTER: Well, yes and no. I’m just out here because a grandfather I never knew of died, and I’m mentioned in his will.

DALLAS: You’re kidding.

BAXTER: If only. The family is crazy. My Uncle seems nice enough, but he reminds me of Dracula. One of my cousins thinks he’s a wizard. Another one wants to kill me. And the last one wants to fu-well, seduce me.

DALLAS: Ew.

BAXTER: Yeah. And her husband has the most horrifyingly inappropriate bedside manner for a doctor.

DALLAS: What’s his name?

BAXTER: Get this: it’s Doctor Gregory Rutherford.

DALLAS: Holy Crap! That’s the creep that felt me up.

BAXTER: That just figures.

DALLAS: And what is your name?

BAXTER: Baxter.

DALLAS: And what are you doing here?

(BEAT)

BAXTER: This is going to sound crazy. (BEAT) I’m here because I was told to come here in a dream.

DALLAS: Really?

BAXTER: Yeah, I’m supposed to get a clue about where my inheritance is.
DALLAS: Uh huh.

BAXTER: Well, think about it. If it made sense it would obviously not belong with the rest of this week, right?

DALLAS: (LAUGHING) Right. Look, if you’re not going to have me arrested, I should probably get going.

BAXTER: Hey, if you know the way out, let me follow you. I think I got lost.

DALLAS: Sure.

(TWO SETS OF FOOTSTEPS START)

DALLAS: Just watch out for that stalagmite.

(STUMBLE AND TRIP. FOOTSTEPS STOP)

BAXTER: Whoa. Yeah, that’s… that’s really something.

DALLAS: Huh? What do you mean?

(START WEIRD SWIRLY DIMENSIONAL PORTAL SOUND UNDER BAXTER’S DIALOGUE, WHICH CUTS OUT WITH DALLAS SPEAKS, BUT RETURNS AND BUILDS IN VOLUME AND INTESITY SLOWLY WITH EACH BIT OF BAXTER’S LINES – THE SOUND IS REPRESENTATIVE OF THE VISION BAXTER IS HAVING THAT DALLAS IS UNABLE TO SEE HERSELF)

BAXTER: Don’t you see it?

DALLAS: You mean the stalagmite?

BAXTER: That, right there.

DALLAS: That?

BAXTER: Yes. Don’t you see it?

DALLAS: I guess it’s not a stalagmite. It’s more a rock sitting on another rock.

BAXTER: No, it’s not a rock. It’s a multi-sided object, but it has so many sides it looks like a sphere. You just can’t tell till you get close enough….

DALLAS: Well, that’s kind of weird, but…

BAXTER: And it’s shining.

DALLAS: Are you sure? I don’t see anything.

BAXTER: There’s also the images reflected through each side, like I’m looking through a hundred different windows, depending on what angle you gaze into it from.

DALLAS: It just looks like a dull, non-shiny rock to me.

BAXTER: Can’t you see the images? They’re flooding my mind. The hundred robed men walking through the desert towards a dark obelisk, the spired city miles below the surface of the sea, the multi-eyed fungi flying from the edge of space towards our planet…

DALLAS: The what?

BAXTER: I see a million different points throughout space and time all being projected into my mind.

DALLAS: Are you okay?

BAXTER: There’s a man in Salem in the last century sketching the feeding habits of ghouls from live models. There’s anti-dilluvian structures serviced by polymorphous creatures who existed centuries before humans. There’s a boy three decades ago in Wisconsin riding a Big Wheel. Sweet! I always wanted one of those!

DALLAS: Are you on ’shrooms?

BAXTER: I’m seeing every corner of the earth, at every possible time, from its beginning to its collapse and beyond. I’m seeing the stars spilling out the original elements that will make planets and life, solar systems expanding into galaxies…

DALLAS: You are so on ’shrooms.

(WHEN THE SOUND RETURNS FOR BAXTER’S VISION, ADDED TO IT IS THE FAINT SOUND OF HIGH PITCHED EERIE PIPING)

BAXTER: No, no, but it’s continuing to expand into the entirety of the universe, infinite blackness and vast impossible stillness, then stirring, something stirring as if this unfathomable void is a living thing itself, churning into semi-solid and discrete forms…

DALLAS: Look, I did 3 months with the peyote eaters of Oaxaca and I did my undergrad at the University of Oregon so I know someone trippin’ when I see it.

(THE PIPING RETURNS, WITH THE OTHER SOUNDS, PROMINENTLY NOW, SHRILL AND UNNERVING)

BAXTER: Can’t you see the dancing and hear the piping around the swirling blasphemous mass? Can’t you?

DALLAS: Baxter?

BAXTER: As I look into it, it looks into me. No, it looks through the trapezohedron and looks into me. Something in the darkness sees me.

(BEGIN FAINT SCRAPING SOUND, SIMILAR TO THE SCRAPING SOUND WE HEARD JUST BEFORE BAXTER DISCOVERED DALLAS)

BAXTER: I see it moving, lurking in the darkness, skulking from the shadows to reach out, to pull itself out, to grasp at my mind and pull itself out!

(CONTINUE THE SOUNDS OF BAXTER’S VISION GOING UNDERNEATH DALLAS’ NEXT LINE)

DALLAS: Baxter, snap out of it!

(ALL THE SOUNDS COME TO A SUDDEN STOP – BUT AN ECHO OF THEM FADES OUT -EXCEPT FOR THE SCRAPING. THE SCRAPING CONTINUES DISTANTLY IN THE BACKGROUND UNDERNEATH BOTH OF THE CHARACTERS’ LINES – THIS NOT SOMETHING IN BAXTER’S MIND, BUT INSIDE THE CAVE)

DALLAS: Look, take some deep breaths. Stop looking at the weird rock. You’re just having a bad trip.

BAXTER: No, no I’m okay. The images went away as soon as you pulled me away from the trapezohedron.

DALLAS: Wow, that’s the fastest come down I’ve ever seen.

(SCRAPING GETS SLIGHTLY LOUDER)

BAXTER: But I did see the book just before you pulled me away.

DALLAS: The book?

BAXTER: The Al-djinn-fil-hisaab. I now know where it’s being hidden.

(SCRAPING BECOMES GRADUALLY LOUDER, AS IF IT’S SOURCE IS GETTING CLOSER TO BAXTER AND DALLAS)

DALLAS: So you’re not tripping, but still not making sense.

BAXTER: I have a question.

DALLAS: You have a question?

BAXTER: You’ve already got your rock sample…

DALLAS: Yes.

BAXTER: … and you’re standing right here…

DALLAS: Couldn’t have pulled you away from the weird rock otherwise.

BAXTER: … then what is making that scraping sound?

(BRING SCRAPING SOUND INTO THE FOREGROUND AS IF ITS SOURCE IS NEARBY)

(BEAT)

DALLAS: I don’t know, but let’s not stay and find out.

(TWO SETS OF FOOTSTEPS MOVE DOWN THE CAVERN)

DALLAS: We should still be able to get out if we go this way.

(SCRAPING FADES AWAY IN THE DISTANCE. FOR A MOMENT ALL WE HEAR ARE DALLAS’ AND BAXTER’S FOOTSTEPS. HOWEVER, A NEW, FLOPPING, SLOPPING SOUND STARTS IN THE DISTANCE)

BAXTER: What is that sound now? Is that in front of us?

DALLAS: Um. It’s probably just a seal?

(THE FLOPPING SOUND STOPS MOMENTARILY AND A REVERBERANT CROAKING-LIKE SOUND IS HEARD. AND A RESPONSE CROAKING SOUND IS HEARD AS WELL. [Note: The flopping and the croaking sounds all come from the same direction])

BAXTER: That’s not a sound a seal makes.

DALLAS: And it’s definitely not human.

(ANOTHER CROAK, THIS TIME BLUNT, SHORT. AND THEN THE FLOPPING STARTS AGAIN FASTER AND QUICKLY GETS LOUDER)

DALLAS: Run, run!

(BAXTER AND DALLAS’ RUNNING FOOTSTEPS FADE OFF INTO THE DISTANCE AND THE FLOPPING FOOTSTEPS GET LOUDER, RUNNING IN PURSUIT OF BAXTER AND DALLAS – SOON LOUD ENOUGH, WITH THE OCCASIONAL WEIRD CROAKING, THAT WE ASSUME THEY ARE WHERE BAXTER AND DALLAS HAD BEEN – AND THEN THE FLOPPING FOOTSTEPS AND CROAKING FADE AWAY, JUST AS BAXTER AND DALLAS’ HAD DONE)

(FADE IN RAIN AND THUNDER)

NARRATOR: Who or what is pursuing Baxter and Dallas through the cave? Will Baxter and Dallas survive their ordeal long enough to find the meaning behind the cave’s bizarre geology or Baxter’s weird visions?

(MUSIC: EERIE NOISE CREATED BY THEREMIN OR SAW)

NARRATOR: To find the answers to these questions and more, keep listening to the macabre tales of (ECHOING VOICE) The Unspeakable and the Inhuman! (END ECHO)

(MUSIC EERIE SOUND COMES TO A CLIMAX AND ENDS)
(FADE OUT RAIN)

Unspeakable and Inhuman – script for episode 10

Here’s the first installment of the unproduced scripts.

WARNING: This episode is especially vulgar, even for this show. I’m not sure if the MPAA would rate this PG-13 or R, but since it’s not a movie I don’t have to worry about it. But if you’re reading it, you do. You have been warned.

Remember this show is still copyrighted so don’t take and run with this script without the permission of the authors.

Enjoy.

The Unspeakable and the Inhuman, Episode 10
By Derek Fetters and Sam Stewart©2008

CHARACTERS (in order of appearance)
NARRATOR
BAXTER CALHOUN
STELLA MADDOX-RUTHERFORD
RANDOLPH MADDOX
STRANGER

THE UNSPEAKABLE AND THE INHUMAN, EPISODE 10

(SOUND OF HEAVY RAIN AND OCCASIONAL THUNDER)

NARRATOR: Welcome to Dâgōn Island: an isolated Northwest enclave with a most eccentric populace, a sinister history, and secrets so horrifying that once revealed lead to madness and death! (THUNDER CLAP)

(MUSIC: EERIE NOISE CREATED BY THEREMIN OR SAW)

It is said that residents of Dâgōn Island live the lives of (THUNDER CRASH) (ECHOING VOICE) The Unspeakable and The Inhuman! (END ECHOING VOICE)

(MUSIC EERIE SOUND BUILDS TO A CLIMAX AND ENDS)
(RAIN AND THUNDER ENDS WITH A FINAL THUNDER CLAP)

Arthur Maddox, recently passed patriarch of the Maddox family, has bequeathed to his grandson, Baxter Calhoun, an ancient tome of Arabic mathematical lore – the Al-Djinn fil hisaab. However, no one knows the book’s location. Since the family has done everything short of violating the strict rules of the Maddox estate in order to find the book, Baxter has concluded the only way to find the tome is to break the rules. We join him now as he continues his quest.

(SOUNDS OF THE LONESOME MOORS. VERY BLEAK, WINDY, A WOLF HOWLS IN THE FAR DISTANCE)

BAXTER: I guess this is the altar, at least it’s the only altary-looking thing out here. Well, here goes…

(SOUND OF PANTS ZIPPER LOWERING)

BAXTER: Jeez, it’s creepy out here, it’s hard to get going. And so cold…

(SOUND OF FAINT TRICKLE OF LIQUID)

BAXTER: Ahhh…

STELLA: Nice night for a ‘whiz’, isn’t it?

BAXTER: Gah!! Stella! I, ah…

STELLA: Baxter, I didn’t know you were into ‘water sports’. You have the most intriguing hobbies.

BAXTER: Stella…no…it isn’t what it looks like…

STELLA: It looks like you are peeing on a rock in the middle of a moor.

BAXTER: Well, then it is what it looks like, but I can explain…

(TRICKLE FINALLY STOPS, ZIPPER SOUND AGAIN)

BAXTER: There, that’s better. Now, as I was saying, I’m still working my way through the Rules and…hey, wait a minute. What are you doing out here?

STELLA: I sometimes come out here to think.

BAXTER: At midnight?

STELLA: Yes.

BAXTER: In a negligee?

STELLA: Oh, this old thing? Baxter, really, I consider this nothing more than a ratty old housecoat.

BAXTER: Yes, but it’s the stiletto heels that really tie the ensemble together. But seriously, Stella, what are you doing out here?

STELLA: Just checking up on my favorite little rebel. So, how’s it coming along, y’know, breaking the rules?

BAXTER: Not so good. Randolph and I went through several rules at the house, mostly in the low 40’s. We looked in the ossuary, the crypt, the map room and the aviary. Why, again do you have a fully-functioning abattoir?

STELLA: I suspect it keeps the meat fresher.

BAXTER: Yes, well, we were just about to go into the dungeon when Waverly shooed us away.

STELLA: Oh good, we can do a “private” tour later.

BAXTER: That’s when Randolph got bored and went to bed. I couldn’t sleep, so I’m trying my luck out here. I’m currently breaking Rule #36: Do Not Profane The Black Altar On The Moor.

STELLA: Well, it doesn’t look like that’s working. Perhaps you aren’t using the right kind of profanity.

BAXTER: Oh, I think I know what you are getting at…

STELLA: Yes…

BAXTER: YOU MOTHERFUCKING COCKSUCKER!!!

STELLA: What?!

BAXTER: YOUR MOTHER’S A WHORE!!! FUCK! SHIT! SHIT-FUCK!!

STELLA: Baxter, that’s…

BAXTER: BALLS!!!

STELLA: BAXTER! That’s not what I had in mind. I was thinking of something a little more…sexual…in nature.

BAXTER: Well, I had wanted to get this done tonight. I’d have to go into town, find a girl, bring her out here. It is a week-night, that might be a problem. Stella, are there ‘ladies’ like that on the island?

STELLA: A-hem?

BAXTER: Ha, ha, yes, you are very funny. But really, I don’t think I could do something like that anyway. All I’d be thinking of is that my urine is covering the “boudoir”, as it were.

STELLA: Oh, urine is sterile. And some girls are into that.

BAXTER: Ew.

STELLA: Oh, pish tosh! You need to loosen up. Why don’t you have a drink?
BAXTER: I’ve already had, like, a gallon of iced tea. And besides, where am I going to get a drink out here?

(SOUND OF A SMALL DOOR CREAKING OPEN, CLINKING GLASSES)

STELLA: How ‘bout right here?

BAXTER: Is that a wet bar hidden inside that tree?

STELLA: I had a few of these babies installed throughout the grounds. You never know when you need to be “topped off”. What are you, a “margarita man”?
(SOUND OF A BLENDER PULSING)

BAXTER: Wait, wait!

(BLENDER SOUND STOPS)

BAXTER: Stella, put that down. What do you think is going to happen here?

STELLA: Don’t think. There’s just you, there’s me. The moon. This alter.

BAXTER: Oh, you mean us! Whoa, whoa, whoa! You realize I’m your cousin.

STELLA: Oh, twice-removed.

BAXTER: No, I’m a mathematician and I’ve done the math. We’re first cousins.

STELLA: So?

BAXTER: Haven’t you heard of incest?

STELLA: Oh, to-MAY-to, to-MAH-to. Incest, eyenskest.

BAXTER: Eyenskest? That’s not even a word.

STELLA: Well, then it can’t be wrong, can it?

BAXTER: Hey, let go of that.

(SOUND OF BAXTER MOVING TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ALTER)

BAXTER: Stella, I think I’m going to have to ask you to leave.

STELLA: Baxter, darling, you can really turn down this?

BAXTER: Oh, no, put that back on.

STELLA: Especially when I can do this?

BAXTER: My, you’re limber.

STELLA: Or this?

BAXTER: Wow. That’s, uh, quite impressive. But listen, even without the incest, you are still a married woman. And did I mention the incest?

STELLA: It’s O.K. Dr. Gregory is just a trophy husband. Besides, he’ll bang any candy striper within arm’s reach. Now, come and give mamma some sugar!

BAXTER: Oh, that’s wrong on so many levels.

(SOUND OF CLOTHES RUSTLING)

BAXTER: Stella, stop it!

STELLA: Oh, so smooth. Do you shave your chest?

BAXTER: No! Hey, don’t…

STELLA: Oh!!!

(WRESTLING SOUNDS ABRUPTLY STOP)

STELLA: Baxter, what is that?

BAXTER: It’s nothing, really…

STELLA: It looks like…

BAXTER: No, really! Nothing! It’s nothing.

STELLA: I don’t…I don’t feel so good…

BAXTER: Stella, I…

STELLA: I think I better go back to the house and lie down.

BAXTER: Would you like me to…

STELLA: No, no! I can make my own way…

(SOUNDS OF STELLA WALKING AWAY)

BAXTER: Okay, um, bye…

(FADE OUT BACKGROUND SOUNDS OF THE MOORS)

(FADE IN THE SOUND OF A CROWD AND FAINT MIDDLE-EASTERN STYLE MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND)

BAXTER: Thanks for getting me out of the house, Randolph. This is some marketplace.

RANDOLPH: Yeah, it’s been here forever.

BAXTER: I like the exotic design of it, with the minarets, the arches, repeated geometric shapes. Has it always had this Arabian nights kind of feel to it?

RANDOLPH: It changes depending on the imagination of the people who come here. So the motif shifts constantly.

BAXTER: You’d think they’d have changed the theme after 9-11. Homeland Security must be profiling this whole place.

RANDOLPH: Except that there aren’t any actual Arabs here. Except maybe for that guy in the purple robes and turban.

BAXTER: (STARTLED) Whoa. You mean that black man there?

RANDOLPH: Sshh! You don’t have to be so loud.

BAXTER: But he’s really, completely black!

RANDOLPH: Oh my God. You should at least say African American. You mean, he’s really, completely African American.

BAXTER: No, I don’t. I’m not talking about skin tone. I mean, (CONFUSED) there’s no light. Where he’s standing, there’s no light. He’s an absence of light in human shape.

(SOUND OF FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING BAXTER)

RANDOLPH: He’s walking over here. I think he heard you talking about him.

(FOOTSTEPS STOP)

BAXTER: Uh, hi. I hope I didn’t offend you…

STRANGER: The Al-Djinn-fil-hisaab. You seek it?

BAXTER: How did you know about…

STRANGER: You have been using the correct strategy, but have been looking in the wrong place. The key to its location is in the cave at the edge of the woods.

(QUICKLY FADE OUT BACKGROUND)

BAXTER: How do you know about the cave? Randolph does he know your fam… ? Randolph? Where’d you go?

STRANGER: But before you find this book and use it to its full extent you must embrace me.

BAXTER: Uh, I don’t really know you.

STRANGER: Then I will remove my disguise and show you.

(THE SOUND OF CLOTHING BEING TAKEN OFF, CRUMPLING, FALLING TO THE FLOOR)

STRANGER: This is me.

(THE SOUND OF FABRIC TEARING, RIPPING, RENDING, THEN THE SOUND OF SCRATCHING, LIKE THE BUILDUP OF A HORDE OF RATS INSIDE A CONDEMNED BUILDING, THEN SKIN TEARING, RIPPING, SHREDDING, BLOOD DRIPPING, THEN SPLATTERING)

STRANGER: (GRUNTS, GIVES OUT LITTLE YELPS OF PAIN COINCIDING WITH THE ABOVE SOUNDS AND THEN SAYS ) Embrace me.

BAXTER: No. Oh, my God, no.

(THE BUILD UP OF SEVERAL NOISES AS THE SOUNDS OF REMOVING OF CLOTHES AND SKIN CONTINUES: SNAKES RATTLING, CHAINS RATTLING, THE CRACKING AND SNAPPING OF BONES, FIRE, THE DISTANT SCREAMS AND CRIES OF CHILDREN. EERIE ATMOSPHERIC SOUNDS BUILD. EXPLOSIONS, GUNFIRE. THE INCREASING SOUNDS OF SLITHERING, WRITHING, SLOPPING – ALL BUILD TO AN OVERWHELMING CONFLAGRATION OF UNCOMFORTABLE SOUND)

STRANGER: (REPEATING THROUGH THE ABOVE SOUNDS) Embrace me!

(THE SOUNDS COME TO A CRESSENDO AND THEN)

BAXTER: (SCREAMING) No. Noo. Nooooooo!

(ALL SOUNDS STOP SUDDENLY AND AT ONCE)

BAXTER: (GASPING FOR AIR) Oh God! Goddamn, that was a horrible dream. What the hell was that about?

(ALL WE HEAR IS BAXTER’S BELABORED BREATHING FOR A FEW SECONDS)

BAXTER: I wonder if… What time is it?

(PAUSE)

BAXTER: It’s 2 am.

(PAUSE)

BAXTER: What the hell. I’m sure not getting back to sleep. Might as well check out the cave.

(FADE IN RAIN AND THUNDER)

NARRATOR: What was so unnerving to Stella that it keep her from pursuing the aggressive seduction of her cousin, Baxter Calhoun? Was Baxter’s dream merely a dream? And if not, will Baxter find something meaningful or dangerous in the cave at the edge of the woods?

(MUSIC: EERIE NOISE CREATED BY THEREMIN OR SAW)

NARRATOR: To find the answers to these questions and more, keep listening to the macabre tales of (ECHOING VOICE) The Unspeakable and the Inhuman! (END ECHO)

(MUSIC EERIE SOUND COMES TO A CLIMAX AND ENDS)
(FADE OUT RAIN)

The Unspeakable & Inhuman!

This is a show I was in a while back. It only made it to 9 episodes before real life intruded. But the 9 episodes are really funny!!!

These are re-posted with permission from Derek Fetters of Neohoodoo Studios.
[right click and “save as” to download]

Episode 1 UandI_1
Episode 2 UandI_2
Episode 3 UandI_3
Episode 4 UandI_4
Episode 5 UandI_5
Episode 6 UandI_6
Episode 7 UandI_7
Episode 8 UandI_8
Episode 9 UandI_9